


Happier Times

by QuiteQuirky21



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Dragon Age Quest: Happier Times, F/M, First Kiss, It's not done but I tried so give it a shot?, Kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 03:46:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7785526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuiteQuirky21/pseuds/QuiteQuirky21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a sudden expression of affection in preparation of departing for the Arbor Wilds, Cullen comes to Ellana with a personal request.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happier Times

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Because I love when characters pine for each, I wrote an alternarte version of Cullen and the Inquisitor getting together where the emotion has been pent up for longer. 
> 
> 2\. On both the prayer scene and the happier times scene I wrote down word for word what the characters said, hoping to keep it as accurate and believable as possible. 
> 
> 3\. I used the name Ellana because it's the default female Lavellan name, but I encourage you to change it to your character's name!
> 
> Also, yeah, I made stuff up, sorry I guess.

I had spent all day speaking with Solas and Morrigan about what we might find in the Arbor Wilds, going through our library to read up on the history of the grounds, and bettering my weapons, armor, and potions. Harritt was never thrilled that I did most of my own crafting, but he'd grown accustomed to it.

Decently into the day I decided to spend time wandering around Skyhold to clear my head. Though I knew the grounds that I often walked like the back of my hand, I adored that I could still find new nooks and crannies. After collecting various herbs from the garden I thought it would be nice to visit the room of worship. I had never been Andrastian, but seeing anyone of faith find strength in theirs was religion enough for me.

As I opened the door a warm scent of melting candles filled my nose, and I saw him, kneeling. His distinctive fur coat made it indisputable as to who it was, but I was still surprised to see him. Though I knew he was a man of faith, I would not have thought he took time in the middle of the day for prayer.

“Though all before me is shadow, yet shall the maker be my guide. I shall not be left to wander the drifting roads of the beyond. For there is no darkness in the maker's light, and nothing that he has wrought shall be lost.”

“A prayer for you?”

He remained on his knee, but his head rose to respond to me. “For those we have lost. And those I am afraid to lose.

“I’m glad you haven’t lost your faith,” I said quietly, leaning against the door frame.

He began to stand as he spoke, “I’ve questioned it at times but I have found comfort in faith when life offered little.” He turned to face me, and I took a few small steps toward him. “Corypheus will retaliate. It’s only a matter of time. We must draw strength wherever we can. When the time comes, you will be thrown into his path again. Andraste preserve me, I must send you to him.”

I became ensconced in the idea of him having me to begin with, and in that moment I decided I needed to say something. It didn't have to be everything, but it had to be something. He needed to know that I wanted to be lost as much as he wanted to lose me.

"Cullen, what if I - if I can't-"

"Maker, No. Whatever happens, you _will_ come back,” he whispered ardently, wrapping his arms around me. He steadied his head on mine, his being too full of fear and doubt to be carried by one man alone.

I placed my arms on his breastplate and he began to grip my waist more tightly. The fact that we were hugging felt like a foregone conclusion in that instant, despite the fact that every aching moment between us previously had been business.

Even the flames of the candles by Andraste’s feet grew still and silent, awaiting a reminder of the world outside, and its natures and laws.

"I certainly hope so," I said, sounding surprisingly calm.

"The thought of losing you," he whispered as he hid his face in my neck, "I can't."

I yearned for an explanation as to why the flood of emotion was happening at that moment, but I settled for enjoying it, like a terrible thirst was being quenched. His grip felt as though I was sand trying to blow away from him, and because of his grip and height my feet were only partially on the ground. Cold blood rushed everywhere in my body, terrified at the thought of losing him. Having him hold me in his arms only reminded me of how desperately I clung to just the idea of him.

My arms were draped across the fur on his armor and so I began twirling it in my fingers, knowing he couldn’t feel it. Our breathing melded into one collective sigh at a time as we stewed in our independent fears. My head had come to rest on his breastplate and I pretended I was listening to his heartbeat. If I strained for it enough every once in awhile I would say I actually heard it, but more than likely it was only my own heart thumping away.

He held me long enough that I began to feel as though it was the new normal, as if I were to be going about the rest of my daily business in his grasp. My thoughts were conflicted between buzzing like a battered bees nest and slipping softly into a serene stupor.

Just as I was about to say something, Cullen startled and released me from the vice, putting at least a foot between us. He began rubbing his neck at looking at the ground. I absent mindedly wondered if I had ever seen his face so red.

“Please excuse me, Inquisitor,” he said gruffly, unable to look at me. “That was wholly inappropriate of me.”

Most parts of me wanted to shut him up and keep holding him, but I had enough doubt in my heart that I went back to situation normal. “No, no, it’s okay. We all need a hug sometimes,” I said meekly, hoping I sounded caught off guard instead of disappointed.

The corner of Cullen’s mouth turned up slightly as he mustered the strength to look at me. “Even so,” he muttered, “I apologize.”

Lost for words I elected to stand there, not contributing to the scene. Regardless of my Dalish background I wanted to kneel down by the candles and ask Andraste for strength. Instead I stared at him while he couldn’t see me doing it, desirous of nothing more than crawling into bed and sleeping. My heart ached and my breathing quickened at the sight of him, at that moment especially.

“I can’t lose you either, Cullen,” I said quietly, but stronger than I was expecting it to come out. _That was close enough_ , I told myself.

Out of shock he looked up at me then. He opened his mouth to say something, but realized there was nothing to be said except for everything, and decided it was better to leave it alone.

I was attempting to shut the gates around my heart, but the steel of the gates came through in my words instead. “I’ve taken up enough of your time, Commander. Back to work.”

He nodded tersely and spun to exit the room.

“Cullen,” I called after him, taking a strange pride in seeing him halt.

“Yes, Inquisitor,” he replied, sounding more like a lifeless soldier than usual.

“Find me, if you ever want to talk. I’ll make time.”

His eyes widened in surprise and then blinked in conformation. “Yes, Inquisitor.  


 

***

  


Of course, just because my heart stopped didn’t mean the rest of the world had. As we prepared to march into the Arbor Wilds Thom Rainier was taken into custody, Cole was freed of his mortal chains, and Josephine was nearly murdered. I spent three days killing Venatori with Dorian, finding a Wyvern heart for Vivienne, and trying to find one god damned Dawn Lotus. Clearly no one was interested in conceding to my romantic woes.

Dorian and I spent those days in equal parts: Killing Venatori and talking about our love lives. He had his eye on a young man that worked as a surgeon, and I told him that I would talk to the boy next time I was healing. I told Dorian all about the strange event with Cullen only a week previous. Being Dorian, one of the only things he said was, “Just kiss him already.”

I tried and failed to explain to Dorian that Cullen didn’t see me that way, but he was hearing none of it.

Upon our return to Skyhold, in the late afternoon, I decided to spend the rest of the day with the surgeons. I had gotten significantly better at healing with practice, much better than I had ever been in my clan. Some of it was magic, mostly basic spells or enchantments, but most of it was simple medical knowledge.

There was nothing I loved more than listening to the soldiers stories of why they were with the Inquisition, talking with them about how strongly I believed in our cause, and watching them leave in better physical and mental conditions. If there was any upside to the enormous pressure of being Inquisitor it was the ability to lift people’s spirits with such small acts.

I talked to the surgeon Dorian had a hankering for, Ellery, while I was there. He was a non mage born into a family of Elven mages, but he, like I, picked up instead the trade of medicine. While I had been imbued with limited amounts of magic, I had also never been pushed to harness it into anything more than healing techniques.

Healing reminded me of simpler times, even though it was a direct result of how complex the current times were. I was eternally grateful that nobody had ever objected to my use of magic, even though everyone’s first instinct was to Tranquilize me. I had to explain that I had not been born with enough magic to use against me, only enough to do some extremely simple things. It was uncommon to have anyone capable of rudimentary magic but nothing past it, but Solas vowed that I was no danger to anyone.

My continuation of healing started in the first few days of being in Skyhold, when more people were injured than there were hands to deal with. Regardless of what anyone told me I was deadset on helping, and so I spent many hours of the first days handling the simple problems. Due to my ineptitude at the time I never had a chance to speak to the exceptional healers like Ellery, as they were are all busy with much more dire cases. I was grateful for the chance to speak with him now.

Ellery had grown up in a clan that traveled similarly to Dalish, but were merely escaped from their alienage. He spoke of his upbringing fondly, casting aside the miserable circumstances from which his home had be born.

With me Ellery seemed to be proud of where he had come from, but with others he didn’t speak of it. I made a point of telling him that, in the Inquisition especially, there was no need to feel shame about any part of yourself. This was also how I brought up Dorian, tying the concept of no shame to Ellery’s overt homosexuality.

While Ellery and I only really spoke in between my patients coming and going, I was certain that I had planted the seed of talking to Dorian in his mind. After getting to know him better I actually felt confident that the two of them would get along nicely. 

I walked through the grounds on my way to visit the Tevinter, hoping to tell him of my success. Instead, I was stopped by a very welcome distraction.

“Inquisitor!” A man called from behind me in the great hall, and I stopped to look for who had said it. I spotted Cullen walking towards me quickly with a thoroughly unpleasant look on his face.

“Commander? Is something wrong?” I stiffened my posture and tried to appear as though it hadn’t been a long day, trying not to make a fool of myself. I had never quite gotten used to speaking like “The Inquisitor”, and that could often be seen in my casual tone, but with Cullen it seemed easier to pretend.

“Yes, my lady. Can we please discuss something in the war room? It must be private,” he whispered, hoping to avoid piquing anyone’s interest. His breathing was slightly heavy and I wondered if he had jogged to catch up to me.

“Of course, let me summon the council.” I turned around to find a guard but his hand turned my body back towards him.

“That won’t be necessary, my lady.” His tone conveyed a confusing level of finality, which was even more perturbing.

Confused and disgruntled, but above all concerned, I followed him to the war room.

He walked quickly through the crowded hall, his large frame clearing a path for my smaller one trailing behind him. We walked through Josephine’s study only to find that she had retired for the night, and I searched the room quickly to make sure everything seemed in order. Through the large wooden doors and into the war room, Cullen immediately went to his pieces on the map.

“Inquisitor,” he sighed, clearly beginning to work himself into a frenzy, “I have a ludicrously personal request to make of you.”

My mind began to reel but I maintained my composure. “What is it?”

“My home village, Honnleath, it has fallen under the veil of darkspawn. My youngest sister, Rosalie, wrote me of it. I understand that all efforts should be concentrated on the Arbor Wilds, but I have soldiers that would be passing nearby.”

Cullen pointed on the map and I stepped forward to get a better view of the path he was suggesting. “If I could have them simply divert through Honnleath to guard the town until Grey Wardens arrived - I believe the endeavor would only add a day to their trip - the lives of my remaining family and friends could be spared.” Cullen spoke quickly but concisely, and it struck me that this was the closest thing to begging he might ever do. “My brother, Branson, he - he had a son just a few months ago, and I haven’t even met him yet.”

As he spoke his voice became thinner and softer, losing the depth and becoming a shallow, small voice. My heart broke as I saw his eyes remember the home they hadn’t seen for so long. The decision required no thinking on my part. “Of course.”

“Are you sure?” He looked at me intently, but was unable to conceal the hope in his eyes.

“I will close the rifts myself,” I stated matter of factly while I shifted the pawn onto Honnleath on the map. “That way the Grey Wardens won’t even be needed.”

“Ser, I can’t ask that of you.”

“You aren’t. I’m offering. Insisting, actually.”

“As a member of your war council I must advise against this, we cannot risk you getting injured just before a pursuit as large as this Eluvian.”

“We’re going, come on Cullen,” I said, walking from the room and beckoning for him to follow me.

“What?” He sounded deeply confused and it made me smile enough to lighten the mood.

“Right now, we’re going. We don’t want to be late for our war, so let’s get a move on now.” I opened the large doors to the war room and held one open for him.

He jogged to catch up with me and walked through the door, still trying to decide how he felt. He had decided on one emotion at least, so he stopped in front of me and turned around. “Thank you, Inquisitor. This… I cannot thank you enough.”

I soaked in the tender moment, and decided to put my arms around his shoulders and give him a good squeeze. “Of course, Cullen. I don’t want anyone else losing their family.”

We broke apart and began planning, waking Josephine and Leliana to tell them of our expedition. It was uncommon to have one of the council members leave Skyhold unexpectedly, so it caused some fuss.

After things had been arranged Cullen and I rounded up a handful of people to take on our journey with us. I decided against bringing anyone from my usual party, deciding that everyone needed to be well rested for the Arbor Wilds. Also, I had the feeling that this was not a matter that Cullen wanted to be made into a large happening.

Cullen and I were in our own carriage with our men and women taking up two others. Many of our soldiers had been woken up, so other than Cullen in his full gear (which he never seemed to take off) most of us were in very casual clothing or even sleepwear. I laughed at the thought that us, a group of people in their nightwear, were responsible for saving the world.

We loaded the wagons for the trip - enough food for a week, everyone’s armor and some extra weapons - and set off without much delay. I laid down on the floor and prepared for a dull trip. It would take a full day to get to Honnleath, probably more, and I began regretting not inviting any of my friends. The first many hours were spent sleeping in the night. I was woken, however, by Cullen’s frantic noises.

We had both decided to sleep on the floor of the carriage given that it was just long enough and wide enough for us to both fit comfortably, my feet by his shoulders and his by mine. I removed the blanket from my body and bolted upright, thinking we were under attack. As my hand reached for my sword I realized sorrowfully that it was only Cullen who was under attack. His head whipped from side to side as though he were avoiding a physical object, and his back arched up off of the carriage floor, trying to escape some immeasurable pain.

I stood up and took the few steps towards him quickly, kneeling down by his shoulders once I reached them. Completely unsure as to what I should have been doing I began petting his head. I was worried he was going to injure his neck, and then I finally understood why he was always rubbing it. My heart ripped apart as I comforted the horrified man.

“Cullen, Cullen,” I called out, hoping to wake him up. I didn’t want to alert our driver to the situation, so I got closer and spoke more softly. “Cullen, wake up. It’s Ellana, I need you to wake up, would you do that for me? I’m going to fix this, I promise. That’s my job, I fix things, so why don’t you wake up so I can fix what’s hurting you?”  I had one hand running through his hair and the other rubbing his shoulder gently. Our faces were close and I was trying to be comforting, considering what my mother would have done when I was having a nightmare. I moved the hand running through his hair to his forehead, dragging my thumb across it gently. “Come on, Cullen, I know you can wake up, it’s -”

His eyes split open in no time at all and the gasp of a drowning man rung through the air. His chest rose and fell at an incredible speed, so fast that I was worried he would hyperventilate.

“Cullen,” I said firmly but still kindly, “Everything is okay. You’re alright, I promise.”

Seeming to only partially recognize me when I said his name Cullen scrambled away from me on his hands and feet, running his back into the seat on the side of the carriage. I decided not to follow him over, in case he wasn’t lucid yet.

“Cullen?”

“Inquisitor,” he panted out, taking a rushed look around. “I’m sorry. Did I wake you?”

I ignored him long enough to walk on my knees over to him. He looked so frail without his armor, so much smaller. “Why didn’t you tell me you had nightmares?” I asked softly, placing my hand on his shoulder.

“Well, we never sleep together, why would you need to know?” he huffed in response, confused as to why he needed to be answering such an odd question. For a moment I was grateful for the darkness as I felt my face grow a bit warmer.

“Fair enough. But Cullen, you need to talk to somebody about this. You’re hurting yourself.”

“I am?” He looked up at me and then back down to the place he had been panicking only moments before.

“Yes, you are. Why do you think your neck hurts all the time?” I placed my hands in my lap as I fought the urge to touch his neck, to heal him.

His eyes widened in realization and he looked down at his hands. His breathing was still heavy, but it had slowed. A hand he had been looking at came up to wipe his eyes.

“Are you… are you crying?” I asked, attempting to give him the space he probably wanted.

“Sometimes I wake up and the tears are there, but I’m not crying, no.”

“It’s okay if you are, you know.”

“I’m not.” I wasn’t quite sure if he was trying to convince himself or me.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” _Please say yes, please say yes._

“No, no I’m fine. I’m, uh, I’m sorry you had to see me like that.”

“I’m glad I was there,” I said, giving in to my desire to hug him. He was warm and surprisingly slim, but his broad shoulders were just a little too large for me to completely wrap around. I sat my head on his shoulder, hoping that this time I could actually hear his heartbeat. “Someone has to take care of you.”

He coughed slightly, unsure of what to do with my presence. We sat still for a little while, but then I fell asleep again, lulled to sleep by his breathing and the rhythmic trotting of the carriage.

I awoke a few hours later to the carriages being stopped so the horses could be fed. I opened my eyes to see his hand on top of my arm that was draped over his chest. I gasped quietly, which must have woken him up as well, because we both withdrew our limbs hastily. The part of my chest where his shoulder had been felt colder.

Internally I was kicking myself, telling myself that he probably loves someone else and that I had no desire to ruin whatever he had with her. We got off the carriage silently, both of us deciding to talk to the troops.

I briefed them on the mission to Honnleath without telling them why it was important, and after that we spoke freely. I enjoyed reminding them that I was a person, too.

“Reginald,” Cullen called out to one of the men, “I need to talk to you.”

I ignored what they were doing and focused instead on having pleasant discussions with the soldiers. Though the Inquisition’s forces had grown much larger I made a point of remembering everything I could about its inhabitants. Cullen was talking to now three men with a grave expression, but none of them seemed as concerned. In fact, at one point a man named Bray outright laughed.

The horses were done eating and we were all ready to go back to our seats, but Cullen didn’t seem to be done talking with his men.

“Commander,” I called out to him, “Why don’t you take your guys in our carriage, I’ll hang out with everyone else back here.”

He looked up in surprise, but then nodded in agreement to the plan. Whatever they were discussing really had him bothered.

I got on the second of three carriages and began chatting merrily with people whom I truly did consider my friends.

“Meredith, how’s your younger brother?”

“He’s doing well, ma’am, thank you for asking. My mother wrote and said that he’s fixing to join the Inquisition, too, and that he and his friends are always playing with wooden swords and calling it training.”

“Well we’ll be happy to have him with us, if your mother allows it. Only once he’s older though, of course.” I smiled at her genuinely. “Trent, did you ever figure out where that bag of apples went?”

“No, my lady. Though I have a suspicion that someone was using it for target practice.”

“I see. I’ll ask Sera about that once we’re back at Skyhold, then,” I said coyly, winking at him.

We all continued on like this for hours more, and it was the best few hours I’d had in a long while. I was introduced to two new recruits, they told me about why they were here, where they had come from, how they were adjusting to life as a part of the Inquisition. There were only ten of us in the carriage but it felt like the entire heart of the cause was under one piece of canvas.

We disembarked to feed the horses and stretch our legs, and I went off to talk to all the recruits from the other carriage. Things were peaceful, it was a beautiful day, all was well. Cullen said according to his map we would be there by early morning, so we set off for our last bout of travel.

Cullen and I were back to our carriage, both antsy to get to our destination. I told him fondly of all the things I had learned from our troops and he played along, indulging me by listening and nodding when I needed him to.

“I’m sorry for talking so much, it just… it makes me feel like I have family again.” I played with a string on the sleeve of my shirt, trying to avoid thinking about my clan.

“Do you miss them?” He asked quietly, finally being given a chance to speak.

“I do, yes. I think, in a strange way, I miss them more because I know I can never see them again.”

“Of course you can see them again, it just might be a little while. I’ll talk to Leliana about making time for it after Arbor Wilds.”

I looked up at him, touched by his attempt at kindness. “No, Cullen, they’re dead.”

“What?” His face went blank in horror.

“When people started calling me the Herald of Andraste someone found my clan and killed them all. I… I asked Leliana not to mention it, there’s too much going on anyway.”

“Inquisitor-”

“Cullen, please don’t call me that when you don’t have to. My name is Ellana.”

“Right, sorry. Ellana… I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish I had known.”

“It’s okay, I didn’t want anyone to know. I’m supposed to be a beacon of hope, I couldn’t taint that with my tragedy.” Although I wanted to feel as relaxed about it as I sounded I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. “That’s,” I breathed out slowly, trying to shake the words free of my throat, “That’s one of the reasons we had to do this. I won’t have you lose your family, too.” I sniffled and wiped my eyes, embarrassed at needing to cry. I thought I had done enough crying in my bed alone at night.

Cullen moved to my side of the carriage, bringing me into his chest. I shook silently into his shoulder, feeling like it was okay to cry for the first time in ages. His large hand moved up and down my back slowly, and I became so mesmerized by the feeling that it wasn’t until a few minutes of silence that I realized my tears had ceased.

“Thank you,” I whispered into his chest, hoping he didn’t mind having a tear stained shirt.

“Of course. We’re friends, Ellana. This is what friends are for, right?”

_Friends_ , I thought as I felt the words rumble in his chest. _Friends._

The sun was mostly set and we were both tired, so we fell asleep like that. My last thoughts before I slipped into unconsciousness were _I love him so much._

The morning sun woke him up before it woke me, and I only know this because I woke up laying on the bench with him moving hastily on the other side of the wagon.

“Are we here?” I asked groggily, sitting up as slowly as I could manage.

He started at my words and turned around just long enough for me to see that he was putting his armor on. “Oh! Um, yes, we’re almost here. There.”

“Is something wrong?” I asked, leaning over to put my armor on as well.

“No, no, nothing’s wrong.” He kept adjusting his pants and I couldn’t figure out why.

“Are you sure? You seem pretty damn skittish.”

“I - Dammit! - It’s nothing, really.” He turned around and sat down, covering his lower half with his blanket.

Suddenly it clicked and I couldn’t have been laughing any harder. “Oh, Maker, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Haha! I’ll give you a minute, okay?” I covered my eyes with my hand and I could feel the heat coming off of my face.

He readjusted in his seat, I heard some metal shift, and then he coughed. His face was bloodstone red when I looked back. He opened his mouth to speak but it took him a moment to be able to, “Sorry about that. It, uh, happens sometimes.”

“I know,” I smiled sympathetically, only marginally less embarrassed than him. “If we weren’t riding in a carriage together I’d leave you alone.”

He smiled grimly, staring at the wall in hatred, “Yeah….”

I snorted in response, hoping that I wasn’t offending him with my laughter. There was a surprisingly comfortable lull while I was laughing quietly, but then I decided to bring the laughter to him as well. “So good morning,” I said.

Cullen’s face became one large red faced smile and we both devolved into giggles.

  
  


***

  


We arrived a little under an hour later and I was beaming with excitement. I began talking to our soldiers, jumping up and down slightly.

“Is anyone else in a really good mood?” I asked the small crowd. They all laughed but I had only been partially kidding. “Alright you guys, yes this is serious, but you all know that so I’m not going to bore you to death. Now, most of you are going to be with me closing rifts and fighting darkspawn, but a handful of you,” I looked at the size of the town, “Maybe four or five? You’re going to go with Cullen and check on the townspeople. Cullen, you pick who you want, I’ll take anyone. Well actually, first, is anybody injured or not feeling well?”

I waited for someone to raise their hand or speak up but instead I got nothing. “Fantastic! Alright, Cullen you pick your guys and then we’ll be off.”

“Oh, um, right. Tyren, Herah, Coraline, and Thomas, you’re with me.” He might have been preoccupied but he was still wise to have chosen Coraline and Thomas given their being new.

I glanced sideways at him to make sure he was alright, but I knew the answer before I even checked.

We split up, Cullen and his group traveling in towards the village and my crew and I traveling towards the outskirts. It was a quaint village, certainly no larger than fifty houses in number. I assigned Reginald and Meredith to be my captains for the day with the goal being to close the rifts effectively while keeping all soldiers in good condition.

There were three rifts that needed to be dealt with, but many more darkspawn were roaming otherwise. I sent Trent back to the wagon because a rage demon burned him, even though he swore he could keep fighting. Otherwise the day was successful. No one got seriously injured, the rifts were closed in a matter of hours, and all the darkspawn that had been spotted were dead.

We made our way into the village as the sun was beginning to set, and I spotted Cullen in the center of town talking to a couple with a baby. I jogged over, hoping it was his brother.

“Hi! I’m Ellana, nice to meet you all.”

Cullen was the most surprised to see me, physically recoiling a miniscule amount as I spoke. I then realized I was probably covered in blood. “Inquisitor,” he said warmly. At that the couples eyes went wide.

“That’s me, yes. I take it you two are Branson and Maria?” I asked lightly, ecstatic to be meeting Cullen’s family.

“Yes, my lady. It’s an honour to meet you, truly.” Branson said with a smile. He couldn’t have been more than two years younger than Cullen.

“It’s an honour to meet you!” I chirped back.

“How do you know their names?” Cullen asked, a little bit behind the conversation.

“You told me once. And I’m sorry, I don’t know this fellow’s name,” I said as I looked to the tiny baby.

“His name is Peter,” Maria said softly, leaning the baby towards me so I could see his face better.

“He’s beautiful. May I hold him? Oh, here,” I took off my gloves and dropped them on the ground.

“Of course,” Maria said calmly, surprisingly willing to hand over her child to a bloodied stranger.

“I may not look it but I’m good with kids, I promise.” I took the soft creature into my arms, grateful for a reminder that such gentle things still exist. I wished I could take my chainmail off, but I settled for only having my hands feel his soft skin. “Hello, Peter,” I whispered, swaying him back and forth. The small child reminded me of when I would hold my baby cousin growing up. “My name is Ellana, it’s lovely to meet you. I’m so glad we came through here,” I said partially to Peter and partially to Cullen.

For some reason I became slightly choked up, and I couldn’t help but smile at Branson and Maria through my watering eyes. “He’s beautiful,” I said. “The world needs more wonderful things like him.”

Branson, who looked a surprising amount like his older brother, wrapped his arm around Maria’s waist. “Thank you, Inquisitor. Cullen told us that you decided to come here yourself even though you didn’t have to.”

I looked back down to Peter, then back up to the happy couple locked together in front of me. “What, and miss something so lovely? I don’t think so,” I said wistfully, almost forgetting Cullen was there. I ran my thumb through Peter’s baby hair and whispered, “I don’t think so.”

  


***

  


The entire village celebrated that night; men drinking, women laughing, children running. It was a sight to be seen. Our soldiers were among them, speaking freely regardless of race, gender, or age. I spoke with everyone from the young children who wanted to be Inquisition soldiers to the elders who said they wished the Inquisition had come about sooner. I watched Cullen chase little kids around, I watched friends embrace, I watched soldiers feel at ease. Those were the nights that everyone could use some more of.

I met the rest of Cullen’s family, thanking Rosalie for her message and apologizing to Mia for her brother’s absence. They were both so happy to see him again, and I could tell that Branson adored him. Maria went home to be with Peter, but otherwise the whole family was there.

“Inquisitor, I want you to meet someone,” Cullen said, walking me up to a woman about his age. “This is Tilda,” he said, gesturing to the beautiful girl.

“It’s lovely to meet you Tilda. My name is Ellana, I’m Cullen’s friend.” I bowed at the waist.

The woman laughed clear like a bell ring, “Yes, my lady, I know who you are.” She curtsied.

“Tilda was my best friend up until I left,” Cullen explained, “But I’ve only seen you once since then.” His eyes lit up when he talked to her and it made my chest pound.

“This must be amazing for you two, then,” I said kindly, looking between the two of them.

“Yes, it certainly is,” Tilda replied, smiling sweetly. “I was one of the boys growing up, playing in mud and throwing swords around, so I’m sure to see me in a dress is an odd feeling for him.” She talked to me like he wasn’t there and it made me chuckle.

“I was the same way. My mother tried to put me in skirts for years, but it never worked. Now look at me,” I joked as I pointed to my shaved head. “Would you two like some time to catch up? I can certainly find other company.”

“Actually, I have to be going, my father isn’t well and I must attend to him,” Tilda said with a sigh.

“Ellana can help,” Cullen said, reminding me he was still with us, “She’s a wonderful healer.”

Tilda was surprised but also became slightly desperate, “Oh? Would you mind, Inquisitor? I’m sorry to ask this of you of all people but I’m afraid I’m out of options.”

“Of course, Tilda, I’d be happy to help.”

We went to Tilda’s home, a happy little house built from wood and stone. When we entered a comforting scent of burning pine filled my senses.

His illness was simple enough, he’d gotten a long cut down his leg that wasn’t too bad in and of itself, but had gotten infected. The first thing I did was clean it off with alcohol, trying to get it clean enough to see the problem. While I worked on cleaning it up Cullen talked with the older man, telling as many stories as he received. I worked silently and listened to them bounce off one another.

Once the wound was clean I said, “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to tell you this might hurt a bit.”

“Yes, dear, I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you yet. Thank you so much for taking your time to help me. I take it you’re a friend of Cullen’s?” I got out a rag to hopefully catch the puss I was about to drain from his leg.

“Actually, Frederick,” Cullen began as I muttered the spell, “This is the Inquisitor.”

“Andraste’s ass!” The man cried out, partially in surprise and partially in pain. We all started laughing except for him.

“Sorry, sir,” I said through a chuckle, “I thought you two should have time to catch up.” I touched his leg gently, pleased with how well the spell was working.

“You could have told me, boy!” Frederick mock yelled, hitting Cullen upside the head. It was odd to see Cullen get hit and do nothing about it. “Thank you so much for stopping by, Inquisitor!”

“Of course, sir. Any friend of Cullen’s is a friend of mine. And Tilda said she was going to have to come take care of you anyway, so it was only logical to come here and help you myself.” I worked my way down his leg, cleaning it off as I went. “And please, you don’t have to call me by my title, my name is Ellana.”

“Well, Ellana, let me tell you that you two are heroes around here. Whenever Cullen writes home the entire village celebrates and Mia tells us all about your adventures. You’re really making a difference out there.”

I was at the end of the cut with a puss soaked rag, feeling accomplished in many ways. “I’m doing my best, sir, it’s good to hear that it’s good enough. This is going to hurt,” I said as I took the top off the alcohol once more. “ _Abere,_ ” I said and pour the alcohol into the now open wound. “And,” I said opening a small compartment in my breastplate, “I want you to chew on these tonight, it’s elfroot, this will help it heal faster.”

“Oh thank you so much,” Frederick said, taking the elfroot from my fingers, “How can I ever repay you?”

I tried to think of a witty response, but I couldn’t think of one so I went for something genuine, “Take care of the Rutherfords for me, sir. That’s all I ask. And Tilda, too, of course,” I said smiling at her from across the room. “Now as lovely as tonight has been I believe it’s time for me to get be getting back to the wagon.”

“Leaving so soon?” Tilda asked.

“We probably won’t leave until morning, I’m a bit tired is all.”

“So am I, actually,” Cullen said, standing up to leave. “But I’ll make sure I see you again before we leave.”

They all exchanged hugs for a minute or so, and I said how lovely it was to meet them once more, and then Cullen and I were back outside. The sun was long gone but the village was illuminated by firepits and torches.

Cullen and I walked silently through the jubilant town, both of us staring up at the stars.

'They’re a lovely family,” I told Cullen. “Tilda’s lucky.”

“Why is she lucky?” he asked, looking at me briefly.

“She’s got you,” I said without breaking the rhythm of the conversation, trying not to let any part of my facade falter.

He looked at the stars again, thinking. “I don’t know that anyone in this town really has me anymore. Things have changed so much. _I’ve_ changed so much.”

“Even your family?” I asked, thinking back to all the times I saw him smiling tonight.

“Apart from my family. They’ll always have me, just as I will always have them. Mia and I especially. Ever since the blight killed our parents our bond has been unbreakable.”

“The blight killed your parents?” I asked, stopping dead in my tracks. Only then did it register that I hadn’t met his parents.

He slowed his walking and turned around, questioningly, “Where did you think they were?”

“I- I don’t know, it didn’t even occur to me, I’m so sorry-”

“It’s fine. I don’t talk about it either.”  

“I… I don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything. I’m alright, really,” Cullen said, looking at me with a resigned but unhappy acceptance. “Let’s go get our armor off, but then I have something I want to show you.”

We walked at a comfortable pace towards the wagon, then we took off all the metal clunky bits. He gave me a hand as I hopped down off of the carriage.

"So, Commander," I began in a mock serious tone, "Where are we off to?"

"You'll see soon enough," Cullen said with a smile.

We strolled through the village peacefully as he told me stories of his childhood. It was oddly comforting to be reminded that he had once been young just like everyone else. He spoke of his childhood friends fondly, playing Wicked Grace with his siblings, how he would beg the Templars to train him. In nothing but the reminiscent melody of his voice I could hear the simplicity of his former life. I wished for his sake that it returned to something similar when all of this mess was done.

After around twenty minutes of such talking we arrived at a small pond, decently far from anything else.

"We're here," Cullen said contently.

"Where are we?" I asked, gazing out over the smooth water.

"You walk into danger every day, I wanted to take you away from that, if only for a moment. This place was always quiet,” he said gently, the serenity of the water being reflected in his tone. He leaned up against the log at the end of the small pier, more mellow than I had ever seen him.

“Did you come here often?” I asked, grateful for any opportunity to get a glimpse of what was under the armor.

"I loved my siblings, but they were very loud. I would come here to clear my head. Of course, they always found me eventually.”

“You were happy here,” I said, inexplicably filled with a warm sense that everything was going to be fine. Maybe that's how he felt, as well.

“I was,” he looked at me, then to the water again, “I still am.”

“It's beautiful,” I said looking just as much at him as I was the water.

There was a long silence, in which I could almost hear ten year old Cullen splashing his feet lightly in the water.

“The last day I was here was the day I left for Templar training,” he said, breaking the silence. “My brother gave me this,” he unfurled his leather clad fingers to reveal a silver coin. “It just happened to be in his pocket, but he said it was for luck. Templars are not supposed to carry such things. Our faith should see us through.”

“You broke the order's rules? I'm shocked,” I said, both giving him a hard time and genuinely surprised.

He smiled in spite of himself. “Until a year ago I was very good at following them. Most of the time. This,” he held his hand further up and looked at it more closely, “Was the only thing I took from Ferelden that the Templars didn't give me.

“Humor me,” he said as he took my hand and placed the coin in it gently, “We don't know what you'll face before the end. This can't hurt.” He looked into my eyes with a furrowed brow and a steely gaze, nervous about making himself vulnerable but also determined to show his deeply seated feeling of loyalty and desire to protect.

”Cullen... I can't take this from you," I began.

"I want you to have it. To give me some peace of mind. Please." He squeezed my hand lightly.

“Are you sure?" I asked, staring up into his moonlit eyes.

“Yes." He seemed to be getting closer, but maybe that was just my head spinning.

"Then of course I'll have it," I whispered. "Thank you."

He coughed and stepped back, then forced himself to look out at the water distractedly. Only with the distance between us once more did I realize how close we had gotten. The voice in my head muttering that I had a chance had gotten louder, and I mustered up the courage to say something about it.

“Cullen?" I asked with my voice weaker than expected.

He hummed in response, snapping his attention off of the water and back to me.

“I understand that you don't feel the same way," I began, looking down at the ground, "but I think it's important that you know that I have, uh, feelings for you." My entire body had gone numb, and my vision seemed to be set in half speed.

I gathered the courage to look up at him, and an open mouth was the reward. He seemed desirous of speaking, I could see the cogs turning, but he remained silent. I wanted to coax the words out of him, but I, too, was somewhat frozen.

Then, all too quickly, my body was pressed against his and our lips were crushed into each other. A surprise hum rose from my throat, but even as it did I began holding his face towards mine. I took a small step back to make room for the both of us. The muscles he developed killing demons circled around my waist, bringing me into him once more. His mouth parted and so did mine, then his tongue was in my mouth. I got the feeling that he hadn’t done this much, so I indulged his blind poking. To be playful, though, I bit his tongue gently, but enough to startle him. The tongue retracted and the rest of the man followed.

“Sorry, sorry. I should have known better,” he panted out, rubbing his neck with his right hand again.

“No, you shouldn’t have,” I said calmly as I pulled his hand down from his neck and back onto my waist.

“So - so you want me, you want to -”

I silenced him with a finger in front of his lips. “Does that mean you have feelings for me, too?”

He nodded fiercely behind my finger. “Inquisitor - Ellana - I-”

“Do you not know what the finger means?” I joked, then stood on my tip toes to kiss him again. To my disappointment and then fear, he pulled away.

“Are you not with Solas?” He asked, keeping his hands on my waist.

“What? No, I’m not with Solas! What, just because we’re both elves?”

“No, of course not, but… you two seem to spend a lot of time together. It’s been assumed since our arrival at Skyhold that you two were an item, given how much time you spent together on our travels here -”

“Is that why you haven’t made advances?”

“Well,” he seemed a bit taken aback with my frankness, “yes, I suppose it is.”

“So what’s stopping you now?” I asked with a devilish grin hinting on my lips.

“Good point,” he smirked back at me, leaning down to kiss me once more.

We kissed for a few minutes, much more gently than the first time. I ran my fingers through his curls marveling at how much bigger he was than me, even without the armor. He could lift me without almost any difficulty, I supposed, but I still wasn’t interested in him trying. As happy as I was, as much as I loved him, I was tired. I withdrew my lips, regrettably, but let our bodies stay together.

“Can we take this back to our wagon?” I asked, as I put my head on his chest.

“Of course.”

I put the coin in my breast pocket, then held his hand for the walk back to the wagon. The stars danced to the rhythm my heart was pounding out for them, but I was too tired to dance with them. It was the most amazing feeling in the world, having someone so completely. I stared at him as we walked, wondering how many girls he had kissed. Or boys, but he didn’t seem the sort. He made me smile just by existing, so holding his hand was even more fulfilling. The walk back seemed to take less time, perhaps because this time I knew where the end point was, but more likely because in those moments time didn’t matter to me.

“Have you ever been in love?” I asked, feeling quite young when compared to the sky.

“No, never,” he said, swinging my hand with his, “Not until I met you, anyway.”

“You love me?"

“I do. I have for… well, longer than I should admit.”

“I love you, too. How long have you wanted to kiss me?”

“Longer than I should admit.” He had a begrudged smirk on his face, which left a toothy grin on mine.

Soon we were back at the carriage. He got in first and then lifted me from under the arms to get me in. I giggled as I tried to say that I could do it myself, but he wasn’t interested. Once I was in the car his hands moved to my back and he kissed me again, briefly.

“It’s been a long day,” he said softly, with a voice that matched the sleeping bugs in the forest, “everything can happen tomorrow. Tonight you’re mine.” ****

So we laid on the floor of the carriage and fell asleep in each other’s arms. It was the best night’s sleep I’d had in a very long time.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I have been sitting on this for a while now, but I hoped that posting it and getting feedback might drive me to really finish it. If you have any suggestions or see any glaring errors, please tell me. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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